The short story master Fernando Sorrentino has a fan in Vincent, who enjoyed “My Friend Luke” so much that he wrote his response character analysis, on his friend, Xander. If you look at Sorrentino’s syntax after reading Vincent’s work, you will notice a streamlined parallelism. Now, do you know anyone like Xander, or for that matter, Luke?
My Friend Xander
I have a friend who must be the most generous, upright man in New York. His name is strong and powerful (Xander Jones), his age moderately young (thirty-three). He is tall and broad, has a clean-shaven face and professionally manicured nails. Although he spends a large portion of time on his business, he has a perfect family: his wife is considered beautiful, his son smart, he himself a plethora of praises.
Always willing to help any friend in need, he has opened a “Help for Friends” hotline. Rather than simply loaning his friends some money, he can provide an abundance of services. If his services prove inadequate to meet their needs, Xander expands the budget for his hotline – be it $10 or a thousand dollars, for services common or uncommon – until the needs are satisfied. Discontented friends stress him, and as a result, he never spends on lavish nonessential items, to ensure funding for “Help for Friends”.
He speaks in a composed yet powerful manner, so commanding that it catches the attention of any audience. He has never been interrupted. Despite his presiding energy, he is able to anticipate when others will speak and has never been witnessed interrupting. His commanding aura does not make him conceited; on the contrary, he appears uncomfortable when he does not give others the chance to voice their opinions.
My friend Xander has been married for many years. His wife is a beautiful, charming, confident woman, who, in addition to her strong moral compass, compassionate heart, pleasantly sincere eyes, and comforting embrace, possesses the magical ability to pacify children with the compassion of a grandmother. Xander – I don’t know how – has managed to have the greatest luck in having a perfect child named (quite aptly) Ace. He is handsome, tall, clever, caring, sympathetic, and has bangs. It would not be honest to say he is an ill-behaved child. Additionally, both he and his mother have come to the consensus that because Xander has given up so much for others they should follow his lead and donate their own efforts to his cause.
Xander is the head of his own business firm that trades bonds. He operates in the high-end district in the newest skyscraper on Floor Street. His business partner – a stranger to me – is called Paul – I assume that she found her full name Pauline unsatisfactory – and she has mean hard eyes, is lean and has a complacent demeanor. She is intimidating and coercive, too.
My buddy Xander arrives at the office suited up, driving an Audi A8 that hums almost inaudibly. He used to own many cars – from limited editions to supercars – but they had no practical value over helping friends. Averse to witnessing the needy looks of unfortunate friends, Xander, unlike other business leaders, no longer owns the collection of cars as he sold them to fund “Help for Friends”. He earns seven digits, but he spends his days from eight to six in the office, typing furiously away at his desk for another two hours at home: the trades he and Paul negotiate are on a scale so complicated that they cannot finish the work in normal office hours. Recently, after Xander sold the last of his unnecessary cars, Paul decided that the office needed a renovation to replace the year-old furnishings. She has already booked the most expensive interior designer in New York for half a year. Considering the extremely high cost of such a designer, Xander has begun sleeping in the office and (possibly even more detrimental to his health) not sleeping at all. The last conversation he had with his wife involved the amount of sleep he got and the harmful effects of his lack of sleep.
There is, however, one well-kept secret of Xander, which is his attitude inside the office when money is of great importance. Often, this is what happens:
He invites a business partner to his office and has his receptionist stall them in the foyer, interminably. The receptionist converses animatedly on the phone as the businessmen wait, ignoring their diminishing patience. She has mastered stalling. As a matter of fact, I believe that the businessmen’s eagerness and frustration give her great pleasure. Then she makes a show of contacting Xander through the most round-a-bout ways, which include multiple different telephone calls and emails, with rapid short remarks alternating between the phone and the businessmen. For an obvious reason, this confuses the businessmen, who, besides having to calculate the acceptable prices on the imminent deal, the future investment, other messages from other firms, and having to rehearse the terms of the contract itself, are forced to attempt at making sense of quite literal nonsense. Xander exacerbates their confusion by hiring receptionists who speak in multiple languages and whom the businessmen cannot understand. As a result, the businessmen lose all track of their train of thought and are extremely angered. Then, in an eloquent and verbose manner, the receptionist begins to threaten the businessmen, employing ultimatums so self-harming that the businessmen begin to fear hidden loopholes. Ultimately, the businessmen, their patience worn thin, choose to sit back down – perhaps out of complete exhaustion from their mental computations.
During the summer, Xander is sure to leave the AC off. The group of people who suffer does not include Xander: he has installed a personal AC that keeps his office atmospherically controlled all year long. Throughout the year, he maintains a waiting chair to guest ratio of at most 1:2 and has remained stubborn in refusing to allow the addition of more seats that would provide guests some comfort. Often he receives complaints about back pain and exhaustion.
Because of his great physical stature, Xander can be very intimidating and, as one would guess, he detests using it to such an effect. Despite his hesitation to use his stature, when money is of great importance he is obliged to demonstrate his powerful, persuasive negotiating skill that arises from his physique and succeeds consistently. After the money crisis is over, he hides his intimidating side and repents for his harassing.
Xander is a muscled, active, pleasant gentleman and has never been intrigued by heavy metal. But when the situation arises, he turns up the volume in the waiting area speakers to appreciate Led Zeppelin guitar solos. On other days he plays Black Sabbath and torments the waiting room with overly harsh vocals.
The waiting room is a rather large room. Despite its large size, the space is used quite inefficiently and only comfortably provides seats for half of its maximum capacity. If the seats are all taken, Xander exits his office into the waiting room, and commands everyone, in his intimidating and persuasive voice, to rise – which they immediately do, vacating every single seat in the room. At this point he has already called in the janitors to have all the seats removed, so that no waiting guest may wait in peace.
Xander’s ideas are endless and unorthodox.
If a person refuses to stand up, Xander will undoubtedly call in their direction, successfully grabbing the attention of said person so that they will stand up and thus permit the janitors to remove the chair.
If any businessmen appear to be unprofessional, it makes work easy for Xander. With no regard for stealth, Xander approaches the man from directly ahead to give off the most confident air. Occasionally he hesitates, almost as if unsure about his actions. The businessman relaxes for a second, but Xander begins advancing again.
My friend Xander knows when he will have many visitors. On these days, he supplies the cafeteria with garlic and beans. Then, when the bathroom is needed the most and the line the longest, he puts up an out of order sign saying, “Toilet’s clogged”.
Once Xander manages to enrage the businessmen, he finally ceases to bother them. And if he decides not to do business with them, the moment he sees a friend that he has done business with or a well-known, respected financial advisor in the room, he immediately picks up the microphone and announces to the impatient guests that he will close his office. Afterwards he makes some snide remarks towards those that remain behind. His insults will never fail, and the angered businessmen storm into the elevator. Subsequently, Xander shuts off the elevator.
My friend Xander returns home relieved. Hesitantly, he enters his house, preparing to cover up his treachery. He is afraid to blemish his reputation, so he avoids most social contact. If his wife brings up work, she is rarely persistent in questioning further when he deflects. But if neither his wife, his friends, nor his son ask about his job, Xander breathes a sigh of relief until the problem arises again.