Student



NICHOLAS NG

Nicholas has written some insightful feedback for Oliver Betz‘s personal essay on his life as a high-pressure solo pianist. Oliver attends the Fiorello H. LaGuardia High School of Music & Art and Performing Arts in NYC, and has trained at Juilliard. Betz has played over 30 concerts in Europe and the United States.

I think this personal story is effective because the structure evokes feelings in the reader. This story has a very sudden introduction, a lot of description in the body and a sudden ending.

Through this story, I could tell that that the author did not provide any background information – instead, he dived right in to the events that happened. The introduction started off with “I was second on the program for the Schubert trio and last for the Mozart Quartet on the program. Having to enter the stage quickly, I felt like I was just dumped into sizzling water.” I think that this part was very effective because it makes the piece more engaging. Additionally, getting straight to the point makes the reader want to just rush in to the details of the essay. Thus, the reader is engaged at the beginning of the story. Additionally, all the other paragraphs start this way. The lack of transitions and connections between the different paragraphs makes the reader want to know more about the next paragraph, which is usually not really related to the previous one. For example, “I wouldn’t let people down, but I seemed to have lost my enthusiasm” directly changed into “We arranged ourselves in the specific order…”. The effect of this is that the reader is constantly being told about new things and the reader would like to know more.

Secondly, I think that this piece of writing makes the reader feel feelings because it is written in a first person perspective and it is how we imagine things. For example, “I pressed down the middle A ivory key and the tones that came out of the string players made the hairs growing out of my brain stand up.” This is really effective because we can all relate to this hyperbole, as it sometimes feels this way when we are especially nervous or on edge. Additionally, instead of just addressing that he felt nervous, he went deeper and told us how he was affected physically. The effect of this sentence makes the reader feel more attached to the essay and makes them feel like they were playing the piano. Furthermore, instead of narrating his experience, he focused more on the small details instead, such as “He was smiling sheepishly as if he were telling a lie so I knew he wasn’t being serious.” These types of details add more to the atmosphere of nervousness and anxiety and it also makes the reader flow through the whole story like a dream or a simulation.

In conclusion, I think that this piece is very effective in terms of detail and structure. However, I think that the only thing that needs to be improved is the background information. I think he should give more background information because in my opinion, the reader is a bit naïve about what is going on and he/she needs to read on to get the story. Unless that was his point all along?

 


 



From Epigram Analysis unit, 2012

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

 

This quote reflects George Bernard Shaw’s economic beliefs, although it can be interpreted in a few different ways. For example, in America today, we have a progressive tax system, established in part by the 16th Amendment. The general idea of this tax system is that it taxes the wealthy at a higher rate than it does the poor, thereby redistributing the wealth from the rich to the poor. In a democratic system, this type of tax almost always develops because everyone wants a share of the rich’s money without having to do anything but vote for it. However, Shaw was an avid Socialist who believed in nationalization and collectivization, two ideas inherently contradictory to this quote. In nationalization, where industries are put under government control, and collectivization, where land and wealth is placed under government control, the government is effectively robbing the rich to pay the poor. Perhaps this quote is a reference to the corruption that Shaw felt was present at the time – Paul might be a lobbyist or otherwise politically connected and influential individual, who conspires with the government to take a share of government revenue. Under this interpretation, Shaw’s political ideology would also not make sense, since in every socialist example, those in government receive a disproportionate amount of government income and are generally corrupt.

 

Jason Li responds too:

 

 

This particularly catchy epigram is an oversimplification of a fundamental political and economic belief held by George Bernard Shaw. Interestingly, he does not identify Peter or Paul, which are seemingly very generic names. It can be seen with multiple localized perspectives, in that “Peter” and “Paul” are interchangeable, and both rich and poor classes could hypothetically fit in those slots. For example, a system where “Peter” represents the upper echelon of society and “Paul” represents the lower echelon would be post-revolutionary Cuba, in which Communist Dictator Castro stripped the rich of their assets to distribute them to the impoverished rural farmers, and therefore enjoyed enormous popularity among those impoverished farmers. However, a system where the opposite was true could be Tsarist Russia, where “Peter” is the peasant class and “Paul” is the nobility. The Imperial monarchy of Russia had an implicit deal with the Russian Orthodox Church, the armed forces, and the nobility to work together to keep the serfs poor, ignorant, and contributing the vast majority of their economic output to their landowners. While this system collapsed amid the turmoil of WWI, it did create immense loyalty to the monarchy among the nobles, which showed when they uniformly pledged their allegiance to the monarchists in the coming civil war. Ultimately, what this epigram truly means, at its most basic level, is that a government, no matter who is being oppressed and who is being rewarded, intrinsically has the support of those being rewarded. As such, it speaks darkly about human nature, as regardless of the severity of the robbing, even if it includes lethal measures, the rewarded will still stand with those handing over assets.

All this must be taken with a grain of salt, as Shaw was a devoted Stalinist and a supporter of the Eugenics movement, which was more famously adopted by Hitler.

Robert Cheng



Who takes the gold!?

Sammy Xu snags the gold medal AGAIN for his outstanding essay on Stephen Crane!

 

Sammy said that this essay was a nine out of ten as far as the difficulty level. His classmates will probably concur as the drafting process for this type of critical analysis essay has been quite involved. Students were required to both serve as interrogators of their subject matter by working with a sub-thesis, and were challenged to substantiate their arguments, early on (or throughout) with scholarly articles. It is not so easy to enter into discourse (peopled with academics and graduate students) about a major writer, and this is why their drafts received so much scrutiny, and why they tirelessly had to re-draft.

 

Sammy is a two-time gold winner! His previous first-place essay can be read here. Congratulations young man! Stay tuned for other Stephen Crane essays from Jason Li and Christine Deng, William Gao and Andrew Lim.



HELEN (HANYU) LIU

The Boast

by Rita Dove

At the dinner table, before the

baked eggplant, you tell the story

of your friend,

Ira, how he kept a three-foot

piranha in his basement.

“It was this long,” you say,

extending your arms,

“And it was striped, with silver

scales and blue shadows.”

The man with purple eyes lifts

his eyebrows; you laugh at his

joke about the lady in the

sausage suit, your toes find his

under the table, and he is yours.

Evening expires in a yawn of stars.

But on the walk home, when he

pulls you into the hedges, and the

black tongues of leaves flutter,

and those boogey-man eyes glitter,

There won’t be time for coming

back with lies, with lies.

The Complaint

by Helen (Hanyu) Liu

At the classroom desks, before the

teacher comes, you exaggerate

your bland day,

tired, and how you took three tests

with no sleep and no caffeine.

“It was horrible,” you say,

rolling your blunt eyes

“And the classrooms, I swear are

slowing down the time.”

The boy with the brown eyes pats

your shoulder; you smile at his

tale of how early he slept in

the morning, your eyes meet his

when you glance at him, and gleam fills you

Then day ends with faster ticking of clocks.

But after bell rings, when he

Walks you to your locker, and the

Delicate talks ease you,

And scrubs you with new energy,

There won’t be need for caffeine

And sleeping, sleeping.