by Adrienne Rich
Living in the earth-deposits of our history
Today a backhoe divulged out of a crumbling flank of earth
one bottle amber perfect a hundred-year-old
cure for fever or melancholy a tonic
for living on this earth in the winters of this climate.
Today I was reading about Marie Curie:
she must have known she suffered from radiation sickness
her body bombarded for years by the element
she had purified
It seems she denied to the end
the source of the cataracts on her eyes
the cracked and suppurating skin of her finger-ends
till she could no longer hold a test-tube or a pencil
She died a famous woman denying
her wounds
denying
her wounds came from the same source as her power.
Marie Curie discovered radioactivity and won a Nobel Prize for it yet she died from aplastic anemia as a result from radiation.
I liked to judge and pick myself apart for my flaws. I had no self-love for my imperfections, and my love fell short for others when accepting their imperfections, too. In other words, before I could expand my love for others, I had to love myself first; it’s like a campfire—in order for it to grow and keep others warm, it must first be carefully fed.
For the longest time, I’d silently critique others for their friendships and the problems involved. In my mind, I’d mock their inability to stay on the same page—like whether to meet up at Starbucks or Chipotle—and I’d laugh whenever trouble arose—with promise-keeping, gossip, and all of the normal middle-school drama. Little did I know—or rather I subconsciously ignored—that I only pointed out all the flaws in others friendships to cope with my own unsatisfying friendships. I degraded others’ friendships. I pushed down all the problems in my own relationships, and instead, took to focusing on other people’s flaws so that my own problems would seem smaller and not as serious. Judging others was a symptom of my own failing friendships.
“A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.” Mahatma Gandhi. Gandi, through his nonviolent resistance movements, eased the stranglehold of England over the subcontinent, yet he was murdered by a Hindu nationalist, even though Gandi’s efforts were about sovereignity for the Indian people.
But in the past year, I have become brave, and with this, become a much better and different person. I am so excited about this!
One day, a month into quarantine, my friend outside of school asked me how I was doing socially, because she felt lonely during quarantine and wanted to know how others were faring. I looked through my phone and checked messages—and all of texts with my so-called-friends were from pre-Covid times. I hadn’t talked with any of them since school was in-person, and I didn’t even bother to think or care about them until someone asked. The weirdest part was, I wasn’t even offended that none of them had texted me in a month or two, and it was freeing to me that I didn’t have all of these toxic mind games to deal with all day. Throughout the school day, I had just sat through class, worried about myself and my schoolwork and left. I had a lot of fun with my family, as we played board games every day, and spoke with a few childhood friends, but other than that, I wasn’t socially occupied in any other way. And that’s when I realized I didn’t need all of those friends or a certain number of friends to not feel alone or unpopular in life. Sitting in Zoom class, with everyone’s cameras and mics off, alone with my thoughts on anything but friendship drama, I was finally alone—as was everyone else—with my thoughts and my thoughts only. No one else could influence my opinions and move me to believe that it was important to be top of the gang, most popular in the class, or the one with the most connections. I could see that none of it mattered now. From all those years of keeping up friendships and making small-talk in the halls, all of that time I’d spent investing in making good impressions on others, not one bit of that effort had made a difference in whether or not we cared about each other now. There wasn’t a social hierarchy to climb up on, no popularity contest to win, no tea to spill on someone else’s life, absolutely no point in trying to get into a stranger’s good graces just to sit at their lunch table. None of it mattered anymore. Not when everyone was alone at home. And when I realized that all of those friends I made in middle school were pawns in a temporary game in my life, where all of my friends and progress I made with my classmates was disappearing, that’s when I realized that I needed to change. I didn’t want friends that’d only be there for one phase of my life, that’d disappear after we didn’t have a reason to talk. I didn’t want my friendships to be a temporary game where’d they leave after playing. I didn’t want all of my progress with people to evaporate after just a year or so in my life. I only wanted people in my life that could help me grow, and who would stay with me.
It’s almost like the silver lining of Covid was that I was able to reset my primary social consciousness, and that I have come out on the other end a changed person, a braver person.
Covid-19 and lockdown made me sit down with my thoughts and realize that I was not truly satisfied with any of the friends I’d made in middle school. We could talk—to fill in the time—and complain about school together, but I hadn’t cared about them as people, and none of them knew me at all beyond the surface level face I put on daily. None of my friendships fulfilled me in any way, and I felt empty, realizing that all of the critiquing I did of other people was really just a reflection of all the flaws and unhappiness in my own life. So, I guess, with this realization, I prepared for high school to find friends I would make a real connection with. Because none of my 20 or 40 middle-school friends and I keep in contact anymore, I wanted something different from high school. Not the fake friends and acquaintances and friendships built on gossip, rumors, and lies, but just a few people I could trust with literally my life—or at least the heavier topics of my life and problems weighing me down. I stopped judging others for their arguments over ice cream and boba—telling myself that I’d never bicker over something as stupid as that with my friends—because all relationships are different, and if I judged everyone else so harshly on their relationships, it was going to be next to impossible to accept the flaws in my own relationships and feel happy and satisfied. So I started to grow the relationships in my life; accepting the flaws in life, working on them and talking them through to move on. All of the negative attention I spent judging others in middle school I now use to positively grow myself, and day by day I’m feeling more confident in keeping healthy, happy friendships. I am feeling less insecure and scared of the possibility of a failing relationship.
Anyone who lacks bravery and courage can be a coward. Cowards are insecure in themselves and are scared of taking risks—for the fear of being mocked or otherwise—afraid of the feeling of loneliness or failure. And these fears usually never get conquered by cowards because their lack of bravery doesn’t allow them to face the problem head on, but rather avoided. Cowards don’t have enough self-love for their own insecurities to face their problems in life, so it makes sense that they also don’t have enough love for others to talk about the goodness of other people. Only people who are secure in their identity feel comfortable giving other people love, because they forgive and accept themselves for their flaws and insecurities, and can also forgive other people’s failures. It’s the task of the brave to spread positivity, because only they can give love and affirmation to others without feeling threatened by them. Cowards don’t give out love, because they can’t even give themselves enough love to accept their flaws; brave people give out love because they are secure enough in themselves to give out compliments without feeling threatened by their own identity.
Corresponding to this coming out of my shell into a more compassionate worldview, is my attitude towards clothing. When I choose to express myself through what I wear, I know that bravery is a must. If I choose to slouch with my clothing, I am not being brave, and the more that I choose clothing as a vehicle of self-expression, the bigger I feel in my spirit.
Daily, I wear hoodies and leggings because it’s socially acceptable to wear these items of clothing outdoors. The public won’t give you a second thought if you wear hoodies, jeans, and leggings; these options are always a safe choice to wear. But I have a lot of days where all I want to do is wear my sleeping clothes and pajamas to a party, a bright-red poncho to a sunny beach, and high heels and a kimono to a casual get-together with my friends. But the thought of being judged and looked over stops me from making these unusual and bold fashion statements; outfits like these aren’t considered normal by society, and I shrink away at the thought of getting ridiculed by people on the street for dressing weirdly—or just not up to their standards, even if they’re just strangers to me. Their opinions shouldn’t matter to me, but some days I’m just not brave enough to stick with a bold fashion choice and just own it. I hope one day I’ll wake up and have the courage to pick the clothes I’ll wear that day without caring or taking into account the opinions of others.
“A brave man is clear in his discourse, and keeps close to truth.” Aristotle
Discourse actually means ‘running back and forth’ and can be understood as the currents between two opposing camps. None of us lives in a vacuum, and whatever topic we struggle with has another person attached to it; if a ‘man is clear in his discourse’ it means that he or she is able to argue cleanly, to represent a sense of fluidity, and though holding to one perspective, being able to accommodate argument.
Aristotle says that brave people are truthful in their speech and will state their intentions clearly in conversations, because brave people aren’t scared of other people’s judgment or opinions. They simply are ready to discuss, as they know and are confident in their own skin and the things they say, because they truly mean it with all of their heart and soul. Brave people feel comfortable in their own solid identities, they own what they say without feeling the pressure of being judged, and they live truthfully by their words so that they know they can trust themselves in the future.