My Life as a Baby

 

Sadly, the kid named Joseph, a big baby, was always there to annoy me and push me anytime and anywhere. Oddly, Joseph’s dad was one of my dad’s best friends. My mom always invited their family over. I wished that we lived somewhere else, far from ugly annoying mean Joseph. Worst of all, he was in my grade. We had ALL of our classes together. Feel bad for me?

I’ve also heard that when he was little, he was terrible. He caused a lot of trouble for his parents. He sometimes would grip onto a small knife and attempt to attack his parents. He would attack his parents because he wouldn’t get toys or food. Boy, he would even get mad at himself. “He is even causing pain for himself”, Joseph’s dad once said. Well, I didn’t care about that annoying kid.

Someone had stuck me inside a time machine. I didn’t know who it was but I think it was Joseph who lives at the end of the street. The last I saw him, he called me an ugly, pudgy baby. Other times, I saw him flipping over some kids and punching a few kindergarteners at Almost Home day care center. My friend’s little brother ended up in the hospital because of him. Okay… Here’s the point. It was Joseph who pushed me inside the time machine.

I know! A time machine is real in this world. Yes. I am living on Mars. But anyways, this is totally wicked. So now I’m inside a crib!

…AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! WHAT

THE HECK??? RIGHT NOW, I SEE THIS STRANGE WOMAN HOLDING ME. THEN I HEAR CHILDREN (a child?) CRY. WAIT! THAT IS ME! OMG! EEEEEEEEK!

Okay. SO that time machine brought me back to being a baby? What’s inside my mouth? What’s on my finger? Oh jeez, I’m not sucking my finger!? Wait. Yes I am! “Get it out,” I hear. A lady who looks familiar takes my finger out of my mouth.

Tip: -Don’t suck your thumb

So, next we were going inside the car and heading towards a supermarket. Boy, it was hot in there. I started crying, screaming – Mom had put a lot of clothes on me. I started kicking all of a sudden. I gave myself a headache. It was painful.

Tip: -Don’t shout too much

We were at the supermarket. There were so many kinds of cheese and meat. Finally I saw many bottles of Coke. Coke is my favorite drink. Mom had one in her hand.

Somehow, my hand went straight to the bottle, and it fell on my forehead, making a bruise.

Tip: Don’t grab at everything

My mom had to bring me home after “her long day”, well, that’s what she called it. Mom tried to put me to sleep. I repeat, TRIED. But for some stupid reason, I couldn’t fall asleep. So I cried and cried and cried. I don’t even know how I even cried. I tried. I’m telling you, I tried so hard not to cry. But I just couldn’t. It was painful.

Tip: don’t cry so often

After a while, I didn’t feel like crying anymore. My eyes were red. No tears would fall out. I feel asleep. As I slept, I dreamed about scary monsters and dinosaurs haunting me. It was a nightmare, the worst dream I ever had in my life. At one point, one dinosaur tried to eat me. A monster tried to kill me with a knife.

I opened my eyes. My mouth was open. I heard a weird noise that sounded like a screechy violin. Mom rushed into the room. What just happened? I asked myself. Suddenly, mom tried to make me quiet. Even though I thought I was being quiet. The thing is, I was the “screechy violin”. I tried to shut my stupid mouth. But I couldn’t.

Tip: Don’t talk like a screechy violin.

I looked at the clock. It was 2:30 in the afternoon. Mom carried me into the kitchen and took the baby food out. She put a little bit on a spoon. She put the spoon into my mouth. Ew. That was pretty gross. I spit it out. Ugh. It got on my pretty pink shirt. I started to panic.

Tip: Just eat the things you dislike and nothing bad will happen.

I must admit, baby food was nasty. My mom gave me millions of different things to eat. I spit it out every single time my mom put something into my mouth that wasn’t milk or water. I even spit out my favorite foods! I don’t even know HOW I spit out all of that stuff. Poor mom. Eeeek. I feel so bad. Boy, do I wonder what life is going to be like when I get kids. Let’s just hope none of MY kids end up like somebody like me. Otherwise… I dunno. (Sigh) It’s a long time from now anyways.

 

WHY IS MY STUPID MOUTH THROWING OUT EVERYTHING!

I was very tired. My mom and dad decided to relax. They started watching The Book Thief, a movie rated PG13. I started crying. This movie scared me. There was a little boy with blood squirting out of his eyes. My parents hushed me to quiet down. Why? I loved this movie! Oh please. Why? Okay, I will admit that if I was little, I would have cried. Well, I am little, but still. I loved this movie! How could I cry and complain about THIS AMAZING MOVIE!?  Whatever, I’m in the past, and I’m watching this scary movie. I get it. Thank god that I’m not Joseph.

My mom couldn’t tolerate my loud voice anymore. She took me upstairs and put me to sleep. I couldn’t sleep for the first few minutes, and I got bored, and because couldn’t draw out of the crib, so I started get sleepy and closed my eyes.

Whew! I open my eyes. I’m on my feet. My best friend greets me through the door. Wait. I’m not a baby anymore! I’m not in the future. YES! Thank god! I was so happy that I felt myself shrink into my parent’s arms. I didn’t have to worry about wet fingers and toes. No more crying. Phew! Now… All I had to do was get that kid Joseph….

So I was walking down the street on a Sunday afternoon, and my mom was taking me out for ice cream at Deborah Ann’s Sweet Shoppe, an ice cream and candy shop. I saw Joseph inside. My mom somehow ran off to talk with a close friend. I stared at that kid. I was going to go up to him and punch him in the stomach. But I was too scared to even step an inch closer to him. BING BING!!!! YES! Oh My God!!!! I thought of an amazing idea.

After my mom brought me back home, I caught Joseph outside. I was right next to the time machine. He was approaching. The second he walked by, I pushed him inside the machine. Nobody was around. So I was lucky. No policemen! Whew! Anyways, all I could say is good luck weirdo!

As we all know, annoying Joseph is an annoying little baby. Let’s just hope he has fun inside that annoying little time machine.