The Hijinks at the Petlympics

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“Kaploosh! Kapow! Boom!” went the fireworks of the Petlympics (Olympics for super powered pets). The Petlympics were held in lush Green Bay, Wisconsin, in a giant hamster cage the size of a house.

 

The rules were simple:

• No using super powers
• You’re paired in groups of two
• NO CHEATING!

 

                          

Bob, a peanut-sized magenta gerbil with super strength, was paired up with Mr. Chippers, a topaz lion-squirrel, who had the head and legs of a lion, and the rest a squirrel with the abilities mixed; he was someone who can summon lightning.

“Let’s win this!” said Mr. Chippers.

“Let’s,” said Bob. Bob and Mr. Chippers easily won the javelin throw, swimming, gymnastics, and trampolining. Then it was time for the hammer throw. A pair of parakeets were trying to lift up a hammer when they were set ablaze! The crowd gasped. The only thing you heard was the fire crackling. Who would do such a thing?! Then they heard a maniacal laugh in the distance. The next fire shot was to Bob. But Bob bounced the fire away with his hammer to where it had come from.

“Who art thou to deflect my fatal blow!” a voice boomed. Suddenly Hemmingsworth, a fluorescent green muscly fox with muscle tails flexing, emerged out of nowhere. In the palm of his hand was a wisp of fire that was put out by an official and the official said, “No cheating!” A muscle tail stopped flexing and choked the official to death. Alarms were blaring. Everyone was evacuating. Hemmingsworth killed whoever he could get his tails on. The Petlimpic stadium was set on fire. Everyone alive came out coughing and wheezing. No one saw Bob and Mr. Chippers.

“I knew this was a bad idea! There’s rat poop everywhere!” said Bob, disgusted. Our heroes were climbing through the air vents. Smoke was gaining on them. They made it out just when the air vents exploded. In the parking lot, everyone cheered, seeing their champions were alive.

“Rat poop debris is in my fur!” said Bob. There was dead silence because of the silly statement. Someone sneezed, and someone else said,” Bless you!”

The sneezer replied, “Thanks.”

Mr. Chippers said, “What are we going to do now? The stadium is on fire, there’s a blood-thirsty murder-fox out for everyone and half of the participants are dead, and some pets have no home.”

Someone mimicked Bob saying, “I’ve got rat poop in my fur, blahaha blahaha!” Bob replied sarcastically, “Ha ha ha, everyone’s yucking.” Then everyone started laughing randomly.

One of the officials said,” We have to find this renegade fox and attack him the hard way.”  Then Bob and Mr. Chippers stood up and said simultaneously, “WE will find him and ATTACK him viciously like there’s no tomorrow!”

What will be lost if Mr. Chippers and Bob don’t save the day?

The next day, Bob and Mr. Chippers went to grab delicious coffee to drink and guess who showed up! Too bad I’ll spoil it: it was Hemmingsworth. Bob had needed to go to the john and on the way he saw Hemmingsworth.

“Hey, hey Hemmingsworth!  Why are you on a bloody rampage?”

Hemmingsworth, enraged, put him in a two-fingered chokehold. Bob ripped Hemmingsworth’s arms off, escaping the chokehold. Hemmingsworth quickly grew back his arms, but suddenly, frozen in a ball of lightning, he heard Mr. Chippers ask, “Why were you attacking random animals at the Petlimpics?”

So Hemmingsworth relaxed and told them this story: “I grew up on the Planet Jim’s Gym. All of my relatives were killed, because of a rival family named the TimeTwisters. The TimeTwisters can bend time, and my family always seemed to win at family competitions like in swimming, weight-lifting, and much more, and we did not allow time to be manipulated. But the TimeTwisters did manipulate time, and one of my uncles tried to pry into a time vortex, but he was sucked into it and I have been searching for the TimeTwisters my entire life.”

Suddenly a TimeTwister walked in. His nametag said, “Sam TimeTwister”. He worked at Wal-Mart and he was a burly ferret. Hemmingsworth watched in rage as Sam ordered a latte, extra cream. Hemmingsworth yelled, “Let me go and kill him!” So they let him go from the force field and Hemmingsworth killed him quickly with another chokehold, but before Sam died, Hemmingsworth asked, “Where is your family?” Sam stuttered quietly: “Holiday Inn.” Then Sam died quietly.           Hemmingsworth was quickly kicked out of the coffee shop. Mr. Chippers said, “What if we can’t defeat Hemmingsworth before he kills the rest of the TimeTwisters? Did you see how quickly he killed Sam? I think we’re next if he defeats the TimeTwisters.”

“Let’s get some more rest. I’m tired,” said Bob.

In Bob’s dream he was flying on a burrito and screaming, “Tacos are in the past, burritos are the future!” In Mr. Chippers’s dream it was sort of like Bob’s dream but instead of riding a flying burrito, Mr. Chippers rode a flying donut and screamed, “Munchkins are in the past, donuts are the future!”

The next day, Bob and Mr. Chippers set off for the only Holiday Inn in town, on 1234 Lane Lane. Hemmingsworth had checked what room the TimeTwisters were staying in, and entered the elevator finding Bob and Mr. Chippers. On the next floor, when an old woman entered, she saw a bleeding Bob, a knotted Hemmingsworth, and a handcuffed Mr. Chippers.

On the next floor, an old, wrinkly man entered with a baby in his arms, and in that elevator was still a bleeding Bob, a knotted Mr. Chippers, a handcuffed Hemmingsworth, and a dead old woman. On the next floor a navy seal entered a fright-fest elevator filled with Bob trying to stop his bleeding with a baby blanket, an out-cold Hemmingsworth, a panting Mr. Chippers, two dead old people, and a dancing baby. On the top floor Bob and Mr. Chippers dragged out a still out-cold Hemmingsworth, unconscious from pressure points.

“Uhh, why does he have to be so heavy! He weighs like 2 tons,” said Bob.

“Stop moping and pull harder! You pull like a baby,” said Mr. Chippers.

The baby went to sleep and the navy seal curled up next to him, falling asleep as well. Then Bob and Mr. Chippers dumped Hemmingsworth down the trash chute and sleep-hypnotized the baby and navy seal to attack Hemmingsworth when they heard the word “shmoodled”.

Since Hemmingsworth was related to a cat, he had one third of a cat’s lifespan. He already had wasted a life in the hotel; therefore he had to be very smart about his last two lives. Hemmingsworth thought, “Hmmm, I should humiliate them in front of a big crowd. I know! A game is at the Lambeau Field in two days. I will crush them at half-time. Muahahahahahahaha! I love being evil!”

Mr. Chippers and Bob were huge Packers fans. Hemmingsworth got tickets two rows behind the protagonists and when it was half time the Packers were winning against the Vikings  21 – 7, and Brianna got up on stage, so Hemmingsworth thought, “This is the perfect time to kill them!” So Hemmingsworth got up and put the supermen into super-tight choke holds (he loved choke holds). When Bob broke free, he climbed up Hemmingsworth’s back and quickly twisted his head, so the fox fainted. Then Mr. Chippers and Bob threw him onto the stage right next to Brianna, and while the security guards dragged Hemmingsworth into the trash bin, the football game continued.

When Hemmingsworth awoke for the second and last time, he needed to think big, and he thought really big. He climbed out of the dumpster, looked around, and saw that he was outside a looming nuclear power plant. From all the Japanese horror movies he had watched, he reflected that the nuclear waste made monsters grow. So he went up the nuclear dome, dove in, and started drinking the radioactive fluid.

*             *           *           *              *        *          *

The next morning, Bob and Mr. Chippers were enjoying a mouth-watering mocha latté when the news appeared on the 27 flat screens, blaring, “Everyone evacuate! There’s a monster coming towards town!” Alarms were blaring everywhere. People were evacuating. Bob and Mr. Chippers went outside and they saw…

HEMMINGSWORTH!

“How is Hemmingsworth so gosh dang big?” asked Bob. Then the 27 flat screens blared, “Someone took all the nuclear reactor fluids! I think it was that monster but the smarty-farty scientists say it evaporated. People always blame the Earth! It gets hotter each day because we’re eroding the ozone layer! It’s not disintegrating; it’s being destroyed by our carelessness! Now to the weather lady.”

“All I can see is a GIANT FOOT!” she screamed, “AAAAAAHHHHH!”

“Thanks for the info. Now everyone RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!”

The TVs turned black. There was dead silence. Our heroes knew the stakes: defeat Hemmingsworth, save world. Get defeated: whole world destroyed. So they put on their super springy shoes, their oil slick ray guns and their one of a kind, rare, and lucky kopanaqua keychain (no one knew what it was but it was made out of wood).  They heard some screaming nearby so they sprung into action, (pun intended). The screaming and shrieking was from little girl: the world’s biggest gumball, which belonged to her, was being smushed by Hemmingsworth like it was air. The little girl ran to her parents, so it was time for Mr. Chippers and Bob to fight.

First they came out strong, shooting out an enormous oil slick. Hemmingsworth fell flat on his face and got a huge scar because he fell on a sword shop. He was so enraged that he flicked our heroes into a boulder, but Mr. Chippers bounced back with the spring shoes while Bob crashed into the boulder. The kopanaqua smashed, revealing a secret wisp that filled Bob and Mr. Chippers with berserk destruction dance-rage. They filled up with anger like a balloon and got so enraged that they double hi-jump kicked Hemmingsworth so hard he slammed into nine skyscrapers. After that, Bob and Mr. Chippers started dancing to Michael Jackson’s “Beat It”. Hemmingsworth sprinted towards them like an enraged cheetah and kicked them like they were tiny soccer balls. Bob screeched, “You’re about to get shmoodled!” The word shmoodled echoed a mile away to the baby and his assistant, the navy seal, and they suited up for the final battle.

The two helpers hopped into a chopper, crashed through the roof, paid for the damages, and set off. They were at the battle scene in a blink of an eye. The baby jumped out, tossed a mini-trampoline under him, pulled his diaper parachute strap, pulled out his machine guns, and started shooting like crazy. The Navy Seal was getting ready to fire his missiles while Bob and Mr. Chippers recovered from the kick. When Bob and Mr. Chippers recovered, they started beating Hemmingsworth senseless. “bat! Bat! BAT!!!!” Every blow was harder then the previous. Hemmingsworth started to get his fur-ious. He crashed the helicopter with a fatal slice and destroyed the trampoline with his pinkie-toe. The four good guys welled up with so much anger that they went to the store, bought some varmint-killer and sprayed him like there was no tomorrow. They shrunk him down to Bob’s size with the enormous amount of varmint-killer and Bob dislocated his shoulders, pinned him to the ground, slammed him into the earth 10 feet below the surface, and before Bob belly-slammed him Hemmingsworth felt a passion in his heart to join them…  and so Hemmingsworth asked, “Can I join you? I’m so sorry I was so rude. I was just so obsessed over finding the TimeTwisters that I forgot how nice I used to be. Please turn me good again.”  The three discussed (the baby was excluded because he couldn’t talk). The first decision was “No” because the three thought Hemmingsworth would be a backstabber, but then they looked into their hearts just as Hemmingsworth had, and then said, “Yes.”

“Oh thank goodness. I will repair everything that I destroyed,” Hemmingsworth panted.

“Even the boulder that you threw Mr. Chippers and Bob into?” questioned the navy seal.

“Even the boulder,” said Hemmingsworth.

“Don’t worry, we’re a team now. We’ll help you,” said Bob confidently. And they went off to repair the city.