Snow Day Surprise
One magnificent afternoon, while I was enjoying life to the fullest, I
heard the phone ring. It interrupted my online research on techniques
for swimming and what to eat. I strode over there like I had all the
time in the world. I saw the Caller ID. It was my school, University
of Wisconsin-Green Bay. I wondered, “What do they want from
me? I did nothing wrong.” The first thing I heard from the recorded
message was: “There will be no school tomorrow, December 14.” I
was so happy! I hung up before the message continued, and I looked
out the window. Snow was coming down in barrels. Everything was
shimmering and glowing. I took a deep breath and thought about life,
about how it was a tough journey. But here, it was worth it. The view
was beautiful, and seeing the snow falling down, I felt like the world
was revealed, as through a fogged-up telescope lens. In other words,
I could see all the way to Lambeau Field. It felt like the world froze
except for the snow. I took a deep breath, and thought: All can be right
with the world.
Snapping out of my trance, I heard the phone ringing again. It was my
Uncle Steve. Steve was a tall, slender man who was light on his feet,
with a husky voice.
“Joseph?”
“Yes?”
“I just got the phone call from school. Can you watch over Jack and
Anna? I have work tomorrow. It is very important. Thank you.” And
then he hung up without my saying a single thing. Uncle Steve had
custody of his kids, ever since his wife Marge, an alcoholic, divorced
him. Jack was 5 and Anna was 6, so they needed supervision.
I decided to go and babysit tomorrow – I didn’t have much of a
choice, anyway, since Uncle Steve had hung up on me. But I didn’t
mind. So I left a reminder on the table saying, “Babysit Jack and
Anna and ask about Uncle Steve’s job.” But then, I asked myself, why
was I so into their business? Why did I need this information? Why did
I ask so many questions? Why was he so shady about what he did
and what was so terrible about it that his wife would leave him? But I
guess that since she was an alcoholic, once they were in his custody,
it was over. I decided to ask when the time was right. Maybe the kids
knew a little bit about it.
The next day, I rode to my uncle’s house on my newly-waxed
Kawasaki dirtbike, so it took no time to arrive because my dirt bike
was wind resistant; it took about 10 minutes.
I arrived at 6:50, before
the kids woke up. Uncle Steve and I enjoyed some coffee while we
waited for Jack and Anna to arise.
“So how’s work going?” I asked, trying to make a conversation.
“It is going fine,” he said, picking at his nails.
“How are you and your kids doing?”
“We are living just fine, thank you for asking,” he said loudly,
slamming his hands on the table, and getting up to wash out his mug.
Why was he being so rude? I had done nothing wrong.
Jack and Anna walked in at the same time. 
They were both trudging
through the door, walking like zombies. Jack had his hair all around
his head like a crown, and as for Anna, half of her hair was standing
up, like she got shocked by some powerful static electricity. Even
though they looked like they were zombies, not caring about their
appearance, they were still very adorable. I was overjoyed to see
them. I was like their second parent, because on weekends I helped
them out with anything.
As soon as my Uncle Steve left, I got down to the point. “Jack and
Anna, can you tell my what your dad’s job is?” They exchanged
glances and Jack said, “ What’s in it for us?” I thought about it.
They were trying to swindle me. I had to play their swindling game
strategically. “What do you want?” I asked, calmly and soothingly.
They saw that I was going to give them something small, so they
retreated instantly. Anna spoke for both of them, “Two lollipops
please?” She made the most adorable face so that I couldn’t resist.
I went outside, reached into my dirt bike cup holder 
and found their
two favorite flavors, cherry and watermelon. When I got back, they
viciously attacked me for them, and we all laughed for a minute or
two.
Their tiny punches tickled against my powerful swimmer’s legs. I
finally gave in and gave them their lollipops and sat them down.
The suspense in the air was palpable. Jack finally said, “Ouw
daddy kills people for money. He wowks when we are at schoow. He
gets about $1,000,000 evewy death. We can show you whewe he
works, but we want someting in weturn…” I picked up what they were
putting down. Turns out, I had taught them well to bargain. I sprinted
to my dirt bike and grabbed more lollipops so that I could pay them,
because I was anxious to see their father’s lair. I brought the lollipops
to them like my life depended on it. They whipped the lollipops out of
the wrappings and while sucking on them, they said, “Fowwow us.
You need to owpen something fow us.” They scurried through the
long hallways anxious to show me. They whispered to each other,
which made me wonder what they were talking about, because
maybe they were plotting to trick me. But that wouldn’t happen
because their brains weren’t that manipulative and developed yet to try
and outsmart me.
They still whispered. When we arrived at the library, they
stopped. Anna pointed up to a high shelf, and said, “Just take owt the
book dat titwes, ‘Peanut Buttew Jewewy Sandwich’.” I did what they
said and when it was taken out halfway, a slide appeared with a
finger scan. Jack scanned his finger and the scanner said, “Jack
Wagerston, access granted.” When Anna scanned it, it said the same
but with Anna’s name. Jack said, “Don’t wowwy, he has yow
fingewpwint as weww.” I was surprised that he had me on file at his
library. Maybe he foretold the day? I scanned my finger and it
announced, “Joseph Dragonian.”
Gears shifted and whirred, and when the passageway
appeared, it made the sound of the Legend of Zelda chest opening.
We all slid down a giant, dark slide. As it spiraled downward, through
the library’s basement, which was crammed with books, through the
dark chute’s glass sides I saw boxes and crates labeled, “DO NOT
OPEN”, and then we arrived in a sprawling heap in a lair that had a
large wall of weapons. The melee weapons, battle axes, flails and
katanas,
were spattered with blood, and I shuddered.
The room was a mess – it had files scattered everywhere, like no
one had time to clean it all up. There were files scattered all over the
floor, like popcorn scattered in a theater after the movie has finished.
The desk wasn’t much better. There were planners, mug shots, and
a MicroApple computer. All the faces were stamped with the words,
“PROTECTED”. We went around a glass partition and came to the
control room jammed with computers. The room was a mess too,
and had a faint whiff of Uncle Steve’s musk, saltwater and Off!. The
twelve computers seemed to be monitoring every part of the US and
Canada. No wonder he had so much money… was his toilet paper
in $1 bills? I saw the whole map of North America, and the post of
the most recent job taking place: something about Gill Bates in
Minnesota. Then the red dot faded. The system announced in a burly
voice, “MISSION COMPLETE”. What was Uncle Steve doing there? What was his evil mission? Did it involve cops? Assassins like him? I didn’t know. I knew he was on his way back, though, and
that meant trouble. If he caught us in here, what would he do? Would
he physically or verbally assault me? I was worried, so I screamed,
“JACK!! ANNA!!! WE’RE LEAVING!!” There was complete silence.
They were hiding from me – did they think this was a joke?
Uncle Steve could be here in any second and they were hiding!? I
knew a way for luring them out. “Looks like I have to eat all of my
lollipops. ALONE!” They came scurrying from the two furthest corners
wanting lollipops. They were yelling, “GIVE ME LOWWIPOPS!!!!”
They were very disappointed to see that I had no lollipops.
I could see his jet’s sensor on the map. He was coming at a very fast pace.
I was worried, but really upset
me more was the bad influence on Jack and Anna. They could think
of murdering someone as a good thing, but when they faced the
consequences, it would be tragic and traumatizing for the both of us.
So I decided to talk with him and his son and daughter to try and get
him out of his job, and find a more suitable one for him.
As I looked around, I saw many files, and thought, What would they
do without a parent? I couldn’t have taken care of them because I
wasn’t of age. They would’ve have to go to an orphanage, because
their relatives were all the way in Poland, half a world away. They
were giggling and looking like they were having fun, swinging
from the lights, bouncing on a weirdly-placed bouncy castle and
having a good time in total, even though this was a treacherous place
of work. I had to do something, but the kid side of me wanted to play
with them.
“Jowseph! Come pway wit us!”
“Come on! Stowp being a pasty poopah!”
“Eh, why not? It will help get my mind off of things,” I said. I bounced
gleefully while the clock, telling the time, reminded me of my doom.
But while I was bouncing, I thought about my plan of talking to him. I
decided on the family meeting about it. Then I thought about the jobs
he could do – maybe being a chef would suit him because he is
good with weapons? Maybe he could go to a less violent side of the
CIA, like the weapon creation agency, because he knows exactly
what they need for assassinations, especially quick assassinations?
I just hoped that we would find a job that would be beneficial to both
the kids and him. I started pondering. Boy, it is difficult to
think when two kids yell in your ears from excitement. So I stepped
out into the hall to reflect on how I should approach him. Maybe we
could give him a warm welcome into his lair, and then ease him into
the alternate ideas.
In the back of my head, though, a voice was chanting quietly, “Be
straightforward and get it done and over with. It will be like taking a
bandage off.” I thought for a while, while the kids were going berserk
on the bouncy castle. Maybe as a back-up plan, I would give him a
sleeping drug, so he wouldn’t remember what had happened.
But as a back-up, back-up plan, I decided to escape and fetch
the 3D Maneuver Gear from Attack on Titan, 
in my garage. Why do
I keep weird stuff in my house? Just in case something happens! I
would use the 3D Maneuver Gear so I could escape from anything he
threw at me. But we had to make three quick stops:
1: Stop at CVS to buy the backup plan.
2: Stop at my house to get my 3D Maneuver Gear.
3: Stop at Five Guys for some food.
“Jack! Anna! Come on! We are going for a quick ride!”
They ran to me like I was giving them ice cream. All three of us
hopped on the Kawasaki, Jack in front of me and Anna behind me,
their eyes flaring with excitement, using the little helmets I always
kept for them in the tank bag. When we rode to CVS, they begged for
lollipops, so I picked up more suckers in addition to the ZzzQuil.
Then we went to my house and I grabbed my 3D Maneuver Gear.
I
decided that since my motorcycle was almost out of gas, that I’d
travel with the Maneuver Gear while the children clung on for dear
life. Flying with the Maneuver Gear was so fun. You just felt like you
were a rebel, not obeying speed limits because you weren’t in a car,
avoiding traffic, and also it was somewhat easier to handle than a
car. When we flew down to Five Guys, people stared at us. I ordered
the Everything Burger and the kids ordered the French fries. 
We
zoomed back to Uncle Steve’s house, swinging tree-to-tree, house-to-
house, our hair blowing wildly in the air. When we arrived, we were
very hungry. We had a very quiet lunch, except for the munching
echo through the long and winding hallways. We enjoyed the meal in
the quiet kitchen.
When we were finished with our meals, we got
down to business. “Jack, Anna, I want to talk to you about something.
Something very important about your father.”
“What’s wong? Is evewyting alwight?” Jack said.
“Did someting happen?” Anna said.
“We have to talk about your dad’s job. It might be beneficial for him to
change his job, so it isn’t a bad influence for you.”
“What did you say?” Jack said bluntly.
“Are you talking back to me young man?” I replied.
“No, we just didn’t undewstand what you said.” Anna said.
“Whoops. So we need to find a good job for your dad.” I said.
“Why?” Jack pondered.
“Because it might not be the best for you children to be under his
influence.”
“’Wat.” Anna said directly.
“He needs a new job so it doesn’t affect you in a bad way.”
“ Ooooooooohhhhhhh.” Jack and Anna said. It was like they had one
soul in two bodies because they had a spot-on duplicate of reactions.
We started jotting down ideas for jobs Uncle Steve could get. They
agreed with my idea of Uncle Steve being a professional cook, or
chef, and they also nodded when I mentioned the safer jobs available
at the CIA, and both were visibly excited at the idea of their father
becoming a doctor.
“How about this? He could become a cook because he is very good
with his hand coordination and doing something active,” I said.
“A safew pawt of de CIA because he will still be dere, just not
murwdewing anyone,” Jack added.
“And doctow because he knows all de vitaw owgans and what they
do,” Anna concluded.
But why was Uncle Steve doing this? Did he have pent up rage
against an individual, so that he took this out on other people? He
had to have some reason, other than for money. We
had to think quickly because he could be entering through that door
at any second and he would be concerned at what we are doing. The
three of us decided to convince Uncle Steve to join the CIA, because
it would be less violent. We waited and waited and decided to go
downstairs and play hide and seek.
“I’m coming for you. I’m seeking and seeking. What’s this
I hear? I hear a small giggle coming from under the desk,” I said
horrifyingly and quietly. I dove under the desk, as silently as I could
and and scared them. They screamed liked I was a monster with a
horrifying face. We all started a big group hug and started laughing
our socks off. Then, very slowly and quietly, a pressure plate seemed
to break under us, and we dropped into a locked jail cell. In the nick
of time, the door creaked open and we heard Uncle Steve call our
names.
“Jack? Anna? Joseph? Where are you?” We yelled as loud
as we could, but he couldn’t hear us because there was a one way
soundproof wall in-between him and us, so then we started banging
on the walls. Suddenly an alarm started ringing. “INTRUDER ALERT
INTRUDER ALERT!” We heard the gears change and shift, and the
sound of Uncle Steve sliding down the slide as quickly he could. We
heard the vigorous flapping of his velvet jacket. He took down one
of the weapons from the wall, and I distinctly heard the tossing of
the gun ammunition, and the flicking of a secret lever. How many
secrets are hidden in this family household? As the siren kept wailing,
I thought I heard Uncle Steve running toward the cell, his jacket
still vigorously flapping, and when he saw us, he was enraged and
confused at the sight.
“DID YOU EVER THINK THAT I COULD HAVE BLOWN YOUR
BRAINS OUT?! You were very irresponsible for exploring this part of
my house, Joseph.” He instructed his children to play on the Bouncy
Castle.
“You were really pushing it when you wandered into my lair
without my permission! But at least you didn’t let Jack and Anna get
hurt. Thank you. But I’m afraid you know too much. There are two
things you can do. You can keep silent or no one will see you again.
You will be POOF! Gone. No one will see you ever again. Not Jack
nor Anna nor your family.”
“Are you threatening me?”
“No, it is a command.”
So plan A failed. Plan B had to go into
effect.
“You must be tired from your journey, let’s have some coffee
and talk.”
“I don’t have time.”
“Please. I want to talk to you,” I begged.
“Fine, but quickly.”
“You stay here and I will prepare it.”
“OK.”
I walked upstairs. I pulled out the sleeping pills, plopped
them into the cup, heated up the coffee, and poured it, and made
sure that my coffee was the one without the dissolved pills. I decided
to go downstairs and talk to him, to see if I could converse with him
BEFORE he drank the sleeping coffee. I walked downstairs calmly. I
heard him yelling, “Why did you tell him?!?! This can endanger our
whole project! You are grounded for two months! I reduced it
because you are so young and so cute that I can’t imprison you for
that long. But I’ll have to talk to Joseph about that. He’ll learn a
lesson that he’ll never forget.” I was afraid about that but if he started
an attack on me, I was prepared, because I had somewhat-full 3D
Maneuver Gear, enabling me to escape his wrath. But what if he had
something that could disable by Maneuver Gear, and what would it
be? A magnet? But, I thought, the only things magnetic on my gear
are my swords and my hooks, and I could use my gas as propulsion
and hook on to something, before he unleashed his magnet, to
escape. But still, that scared me a lot. So while I walked downstairs,
I mapped out what I was going to do. I decided that I was not going
to fight, but would avoid the issue, and try to talk him down if he got
enraged, but then I thought he might have foggy judgment about
what is right and wrong. I resolved to try and clear his mind. So I
waltzed towards the three of them and then said calmly and bluntly:
“Uncle Steve, your coffee is ready,” I said. “It’s upstairs, and I thought
we’d sit at the kitchen table, and talk.”
“Joseph, so what are you going to do now that you found out about
my secret?”
“Tell nobody.”
“Why are you lying to me?!”
“I’m not!”
“Yes you are!”
“Let’s drink our coffee and calm down.”
“Let me get my belt.”
“Ok.”
So he snatched his belt, which had metallic cylinders and cubes with
buttons.We walked back to the kitchen, the kids trailing behind us
as we went up the spiral staircase. We walked to the granite table,
where our coffee sat, and I remembered that my coffee cup was the
one with the Christmas 2005 printed on it, with the Santa hat… and I
handed him the 2010 New Year’s cup, which had the ZzzQuil in it.
“Here you go.”
“Thank you.”
“Let’s drink.”
“ Okay, so how are you planning to process this information? Are you
going to tell anyone?”
He took a slow and long sip of his coffee. Immediately, the drug
started taking effect. He yawned, even though he had only taken one
sip. He yawned again, very loudly.
“Sorry.”
“No problem.”
I turned around and snickered quietly towards the living room.
“I’m not going to tell anyone.”
“STOP *yawn* LYING *yawn* TO ME! TELL ME THE TRUTH!”
“I’m… Not… LYING!!”
“Go outside right *yawn* NOW!”
“Fine.”
He pulled a small square from his belt.
He pushed the button and it
unfolded into a small pistol. I started to sweat a bit. I felt around for
my Maneuver Gear and I was reassured. I calmly walked outside,
listening to the clanging of my Gear, but I was still scared for my
life. What if he had deadly accuracy, I thought. What if he predicted
my moves? But I can’t be guessed at so easily, and in addition, I
can evade many obstacles quickly. I just saw him trudging behind,
yawning, and his eyes slowly closing and then opening. He couldn’t
have great accuracy because he could barely see.
When we got to the snow-covered street, we stood 10 feet apart.
“Stop lying Joseph. Tell me the tru*yawn*th!”
He aimed his gun up at the sky and fired it into the air as a warning
shot, but all I heard was an empty click.
“Oh well, I’ll try #2.” He yanked off another pistol from his belt, this
one slightly bigger, about the size of a bird’s head.
“Tell ME the TRUTH!” He tried to fire again, but again, there was an
empty click.
“ARGH!” He threw that gun into a snow-covered bush. He pulled out
yet another gun, this one about the size of a hand, and very angrily,
yet sleepily, said, “TELL… ME… THE…*yawn* TRUTH!!” It fired just
an empty click. “WHY ARE NONE OF MY GUNS FILLED WITH
AMMO!?” He chucked it at a window, shattering it into over 9,000
pieces. I started snickering. He jerked his head towards me.
“WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING! THIS ISN’T FUNNY! I AM *YAWN*
A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH! YOU SHALL FEEL MY
WRATH!”
I slipped on my sunglasses, which meant things were about to get
real. He grabbed a cylinder off of his belt. It was a smoke grenade. I
saw a shadow in the smoke, trotting towards me at full speed. I knew
that I had to escape. I couldn’t have predicted his movements, so I
shot my hooks to the left.
Then it hit me: The one person who could talk at least some sense
into him was his ex-wife Marge… but she might take a while, as
she lived 13 miles away, so I had to stall and call. I popped in my
Bluetooth earpiece, and dialed her number, and she answered
quickly.
“What do YOU want?”
“Can you please help me?”
“Like I said, what do you want?”
“Your ex-husband is trying to kill me.”
“What!?”
“He’s trying to kill me, what else can I say? Can you try and talk
some sense into him?”
“I’ll try – I’m coming as fast I can! I’ll be right there!”
Uncle Steve and I looked dead in each other’s eyes. He probably was
thinking that he would come out victorious and incapacitate me, but I
knew that I had to stall him so he wouldn’t see her coming. I decided
that I was just going to glide around willy-nilly until she came to my
rescue. That was my only fully-baked idea, so I had to go with that.
“Come and get me,” I taunted with a smirk, but my body was slightly shaking and goosebumps ran up my arm. I saw that that got him
enraged, so I glided to the other side of the street before he could
think. He yanked off a giant cube, and I pondered, “What now?” The
cube unwound into a pistol with a silencer. The rubber bullet
flew right next to where my hook was, so I zoomed diagonally to
the right, and just kept on zigzagging back and forth. He started to
get agitated, so he shot at one of my hooks, which bounced away,
and I was sent plummeting. My glasses fell off, and in the nick of
time, I saved myself from a concrete face plant. I snatched up my
sunglasses, which had a giant rupture starting from the center,
spreading out to the left side. This made me look tougher and more
intimidating. But he wasn’t affected at all. He fired at me again, but I ducked and dodged to escape.
I needed to stall for a little bit longer, so I said, “Try and get me!” I flew towards him, but right as I was about to pass him, my gas ran out. I quickly strapped it off, and tumbled into the snow for a soft landing, but yet, my legs were paralyzed by the shock.
“Looks like I won, Joseph. What do you have to say now?”
“You won’t do a thing to me.”
“Oh yeah?” he sneered. He pulled out a taser and set it to the lowest
shock. He shocked my left leg, sending a jolt through my whole body.
He increased the shock to 3x.
“What now, brave boy?”
But in the nick of time, I heard a familiar voice call.
“What are you doing Steve? Trying to tase your own nephew? I’m ashamed of you.”
I was still temporarily paralyzed in my left leg, but I could still hobble. The snow was melting around me and seeping into my clothes at a quick rate, and it added to my rage at Uncle Steve, and I wanted to tackle him into the ground with the last bit of energy I had left. But it was no time for violence. That was Plan B. Plan A was to snatch his belt off so he wouldn’t be able to do anything.
Uncle Steve tried to explain, “But he threatened my whole plan! What was I supposed to do? Let him go and blurt everything out?!”
“Steve, YOU TRIED TO INCAPACITATE YOUR OWN NEPHEW! “What project?”
Steve sighed. “I guess I have to come clean. I was just giving him some punishment for snooping in my lair.”
“Is that it?! Tell me!” she screamed. “But you shouldn’t have tased your nephew!”
“I just wanted to punish him for snooping around my lair. I don’t want everyone to know because of him.” He gave me a dirty look. I returned it.
“So that’s why okay? Leave me – -” Uncle Steve paused as all of a sudden I tried to yank the belt off of him, but he grabbed my hand in mid-sentence.
“What are you doing Joseph?” And he threw me off of him. I was so enraged that I just got up and tackled him straight to the ground with my last burst of strength.
“Wait, Joseph!” Aunt Marge yelled. “He’s actually not doing anything bad! He’s actually just protecting important people from assassins! He’s just doing his job.””
“What are you talking about?!” I shouted, still on Uncle Steve, pinning him.
“He’s eliminating the threats of assassins!”
“Yeah Joseph! I just didn’t want you to warn the assassins of my top secret counter assassin work!”
My whole perspective changed because of the few words they said. I was shocked at first, but it all started to fall in place. So Uncle Steve wasn’t the devil after all, and the reason Marge didn’t live with him was because she drank too much alcohol!
The files, the giant rack of weapons, everything just fell into place in my head. So Gill Bates was being protected from killers, and Uncle Steve was just helping out in making sure no plan was executed or no person was killed, and the giant amount of weapons were used as a protection device, not an assassination weapon. Or perhaps they were the weapons Uncle Steve had confiscated?
“Sorry,” I said feeling foolish.
“It’s okay. We forgive you,” Marge reassured me. I was surprised at how easy going she was all of a sudden, and found myself in the midst of a swirl of emotions. I had tried to do the right thing, but even after he apologized, my blood was still boiling against Uncle Steve.
Everyone was enraged at Uncle Steve for going to the extremes against me in my 3D maneuverability gear, but after a year passed, everyone completely forgot that incident and we went on our own paths. Uncle Steve and Aunt Marge got back together, after Aunt Marge built up six months of sobriety (she showed me her AA badges) and I graduated from the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay with a degree in marine biology and started working towards the Olympics. But that’s a story for another day.
Yeah! 