Dubuque Hijinks
Both Augusta and Toby thought living in Dubuque was decent if you didn’t count the ridiculously hard school system and homework, that is. The reason Augusta had even come to know the city was thanks to her dad who had come to Dubuque for a job. Toby though, was different – he was a native of Dubuque going back in the family line for generations.
Dubuque, Iowa could be beautiful but at the same time really tiring. It had a waterfront view where you had a perfect view of the Mississippi River and beautiful lights at night that shone in the darkness, but it also had hills that were a tough workout when walking anywhere. Dubuque was also a meeting point for the tri-state: Iowa, Illinois, and Wisconsin, and was also known for its education, which was one place they never, ever cut slack on. Most of the houses there were antique-looking houses that dated back to the mid-19th century, which both kids had zero interest in. What people didn’t know was what was behind all of the beautiful, breathtaking pictures. There was a little corner in Dubuque close to where they lived that had a rickety, run down, old house that many folks in the area believed was haunted.
As Augusta walked up to the rickety old house to wait for her companion the boy, her mind flashed back to earlier today in the afternoon when the group (a group of the most popular girls at her school) challenged her to the dare. The dare was to arrive at the haunted house once they had collected anything they needed and then sleep there, overnight, going home in the morning. Just as she was starting to think that Toby had chickened out, he walked up with a sleeping bag hung over his shoulder and his trademark hair that could never be kept down. They walked up the creaky, old stairs making sure that the stairs were sturdy enough to hold their weight and through the double doors, officially being the first human beings to walk through the doors in at least a decade. Both kids let out a relieved sigh when nothing out of the ordinary awaited them: maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, they thought. As they pulled out and sat on their sleeping bags and got ready to have some dinner, they both looked at each other expectantly. Finally Augusta spoke up, “Didn’t you bring some food?”
“No I thought you said you would bring the food and I was supposed to bring the water!” replied Toby.
“No I was supposed to bring the water and you were supposed to bring the food, remember after school when I said bring something yummy and I will bring the food?”
“Well maybe if you didn’t always talk so softly I would have heard that, and plus, did you hear what you just said!? You said that… you said that you were going to bring the food!”
“I don’t talk softly, I think it’s because you need hearing aids!”
Toby let out a gasp of surprise and said “You know what? I don’t even need you – I will find somewhere else to sleep, someplace that’s far from your big mouth.”
“I never needed you either. I just came to save your face, but if you think you are so mighty, then fine, leave, just don’t come to find me when you pee in your pants.”
Toby, true to his words, packed up his sleeping bag and walked out of the room into what he realized was a bedroom. Perfect, now I have a bed to sleep on instead of the ground: Take that, Augusta, he thought. What he didn’t know was that the girl had also left the room and had come upon the master bedroom with its king bed that was covered with a thick layer of dust and cobwebs. Take that, she thought.
Thick, colossal clumps of dust flew up as Augusta’s sleeping bag hit the bed with a thump. I never knew this amount of dust was even possible – maybe I should open a window and then sleep on the floor instead, she thought. Guess the bed isn’t really an advantage. She tried to get comfy in the sleeping bag, but it was impossible to achieve, for the ground was rock hard and her sleeping bag was way too thin. As Augusta realized it couldn’t be helped, she decided she would just have to try and fall asleep, but she soon realized that wasn’t going to happen either. She had an aching desire to be back in her hometown of Kalamazoo, playing with her friends and getting an ice cream sundae at her favorite place “Mr Frosty’s”. Instead I’m stuck here with a scaredy pants, sleeping on the floor of an old “haunted” house, she thought. Just then a big grumble came and went in her stomach. GRR she thought, if only that boy Toby had brought something to eat. Her attempts at falling asleep were getting nowhere. Ugg, this is so uncomfortable, I should just get up for a walk, it’s not like this house is actually haunted, just some crazy people in the area that are superstitious.
A loud thump arose the dust, as Toby plopped into his thick sleeping bag, getting ready for bed, or what he could do to try to get ready for bed that is, since he had forgotten to pack a toothbrush. Ohh well, it’s not like I’m going to die if I don’t brush my teeth for one night, besides I don’t even know if this big, old, rickety house has a working sink anyways, he thought. Sticking his feet in as far as they would go in his sleeping bag, he cursed himself for not remembering to bring his dad’s old sleeping bag, since he had long outgrown his. Along with his discomfort from the top part of his back contacting the freezing ground, his stomach was rumbling. That girl thinks she’s so smart, blaming things on other people, even though she was the one that forgot to bring the food in the first place, he thought. Now thanks to her I’m going to have to wait till morning to have some food. Five minutes of laying in his sleeping bag and his bladder had already gone cuckoo. Great, now I have to find the bathroom in this big, old house, he thought.
As Augusta went walking down the hallway she heard footsteps clomping her way. What is that? She started wondering if maybe the folks had some truth in what they were saying about this house. She stopped walking and flattened herself against the wall past the corridor, as much as she possibly could. The footsteps came closer, and closer, well… Augusta started sweating. What do ghosts do when they see a girl in a house they think they own? She decided there was only one way she would try to scare the ghost as it walked past her. The footsteps were right next to her now: It is time, I can’t chicken out now: “BOO!!” she shouted, realizing too late that it wasn’t actually a ghost but… .
Toby was walking down the hallway Augusta had just been walking when a dark shadow that looked like a person in a bathrobe jumped out at him yelling an ear piercing BOO! as if just jumping out of nowhere wasn’t enough he thought. As his heartbeat slowly stopped beating twice as fast as usual he realized that this shadow was actually Augusta and she had come from a corridor on the right not from thin air.
“What did you do that for?” yelled Toby.
“I didn’t mean to,” replied Augusta, her voice shaking a little, “I thought you were a ghost.”
“Ah-ha, so you believed that this house really was haunted huh?” snickered Toby.
“I did not, well I didn’t until you came clomping down the hallway, then I thought you were a ghost!”
“Fine, I won’t argue with you now but don’t expect me to drop the subject at school on Monday.”
“What were you doing out here anyways?” asked Augusta.
“I was looking for a bathroom, what were you doing out here?”
“My sleeping bag was too thin and I couldn’t fall asleep so I decided to go for a walk.”
“Well, I’m going to look for a bathroom, want to tag along?” asked Toby.
“I guess, I have nothing better to do.”
“So when did you even come to Dubuque? I’ve never seen you here until the start of the school year.”
“Yeah, I just moved here over the summer from Michigan, because my dad got a new job here. I was hoping to fit in with the kids and not stand out, but that didn’t happen as you can see – instead they sent me on a dare saying, ‘All the new kids have to go spend a night at the haunted house’. What about you? How come… you got sent here on a dare, too?”
“Well I always seemed to stand out in a bad way. Guess they thought I was geeky, so they sent me on a dare with you, probably thinking that I’d do something ridiculous like wetting my pants. Then they would get something to laugh about. Speaking of wetting my pants, when are we going to find a bathroom? I might really wet my pants now. And I’m not kidding!”
“Well, hold it in, otherwise I might just leave you here to find your way and I’m not kidding either. I don’t need a boy with wet undies to deal with,” replied Augusta, without a single drop of sarcasm in her voice.
“Okay, okay, calm down. Anyways I think I see something that looks like a bathroom up ahead.”
“Good, because I was serious with what I said earlier and stop hopping like a bunny already, you just said there seems to be a bathroom up front!”
Augusta peered into the room and let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. She called out to Toby, who in her opinion was a scaredy-cat. “It’s a bathroom, and calm down – there are no ghosts in there, just do your business and come out. We have to go a long way to get back to our sleeping bags.”
“I’m trying but I have to go slow, otherwise I might really pee in my pants.”
“Okay just don’t pee in your pants, unless you want me to leave you here.” Augusta thought about sitting against the windowsill but then checked the dust. Ewwww.
“Umm, we might have a problem here,” said Toby. “The toilet doe… doesn… doesn’t flush.”
“Whatever, it doesn’t matter just get your butt out of there so we can start our very long journey baaack!” yelled Augusta through the closed door.
“Okay and stop exaggerating! It’s not that long of a walk back!”
“I’m not exaggerating, but that doesn’t matter right now, just hurry up. What is taking you so long? Are you a sloth?”
“Hey, don’t insult sloths, they are a very cool species,” replied Toby.
“I’m not insulting sloths, though I might if you keep doing things at this speed,” grumbled Augusta.
“Okay, here I am. Happy now?” asked Toby back to his regular voice.
“Yes.” Augusta sighed.
“Do you have any idea how to fall asleep with a very grumbling stomach?”
“Do you think I do? I mean the reason I went looking for a bathroom with you was thanks to my empty stomach.”
“Gee, calm down. I didn’t mean anything offense by that, just asking you if you have any ideas because I’m pretty sure that it’s not going to be easy for us to fall asleep with an empty stomach.”
“Well, the best way to fall asleep on an empty stomach is to get up and get some food, but thanks to you we don’t have that option.”
“Okay, let’s not get into blaming each other again and instead focus on the task at hand: how to fall asleep with an empty stomach.”
“Fine, but don’t think I will forgive you anytime soon for forgetting to bring food.”
“I know. But wait -.” replied Toby.
“Well have you got any ideas?” asked Augusta.
“All I can think of is trying to distract yourself. Like counting sheep and then trying to fall asleep.”
“And you think that’s going to work?” asked Augusta on the verge of launching into a giggling fit.
“No, but you asked me to give an idea, so I gave one.”
“Fine, then let me specify my question a little more. DO YOU HAVE ANY GOOD IDEAS THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY WORK?”
“Okay, okay, and no I don’t have any good ideas that might actually work. Do you?”
“Don’t try to deflect attention,” grumbled Augusta.
“I’m not, just seeing if you have any good ideas since I don’t at the moment.”
“Well then think of something in the next TWO minutes, starting NOW!”
Toby could practically hear the clock ticking in his ears as he pushed himself to think of something that could work. Then something suddenly popped up in his mind and he thought, I’m saved, I actually have something to suggest to Augusta. I never thought that would happen, instead I was preparing myself for doom.
“Well time’s up! Got anything to say?” asked Augusta.
“Actually, I do. It might not be that good but it’s something.”
“Well, what is it? We’re not going to be here for the whole day. Hurry up!”
“I read in a book somewhere that if you meditate on an empty stomach, before going to bed, that you would fall asleep and forget about the hunger.”
“Fine, that’s a decent idea, but do you know how to meditate?” asked Augusta.
“No, not really.”
“Well that’s not going to work. Have any other ideas?”
“No. Do you?” asked Toby.
“Well, I guess if you’re tired then you will automatically fall asleep, no matter how hungry you are. I mean that’s how the Jewish survived those labor camps,” said Augusta, with a little tremble in her voice.
“That’s true, but are we tired enough?” asked Toby.
“Who knows, maybe, we could try.”
“I guess.”
“Well, we got that out of the way. What did you tell your parents before you left?” asked Augusta.
“I just told them that I was going to a friend’s sleepover and they believed it. In fact, they were really happy that I finally got friends because I never had any before. What about you?”
“Before we start talking about me, I have a few questions for you. What if your parents call the family that you are supposedly staying at and find out you’re not there?” asked Augusta.
“I didn’t tell my parents their name or number, all I said was that I am going to Ben’s house who was a new friend of mine.”
“Yeah, but they could find Ben’s parents name and address in the school directory?”
“Oh yeah,” replied, Toby not so confident anymore. “What did you tell your parents?”
“Wait, wait, wait I’m not done asking you questions yet. What if Ben’s parents found out? What would you do then? Since they’re bound to find out sooner or later.”
“I don’t know, we’ll get to that bridge when we… ummm. Get to it?”
“First of all you better correct your sentence, I will not be helping you CROSS that bridge when it’s time to and second of all, stop acting like this doesn’t matter ‘cause I can see through that layer of horrid acting skills.”
“Okay, now are we done talking about me and can we start talking about you?”
“N.O. NO!”
“Why don’t you want to talk about yourself? Why don’t you tell about your alibi?” asked Toby.
“Don’t you dare start bossing me around!” shouted Augusta.
“Why not? All you’ve been doing was bossing me around besides all I did was ask you a simple question and you suddenly got very fired up.”
“I haven’t been bossing you around but fine – maybe I did get a little, I repeat, a little, fired up. I don’t really want to talk about it right now.”
“But why?” asked Toby not realizing that she was quoting herself when she should have given him the credit.
“Can’t you stop being nosy already?”
“I’m not being nosy, all I am doing is asking a little question.”
“Well fine, you want to know the answer – here it is. All my parents care about is my younger sister Rose and… HEY – don’t get the impression that she’s all nice because of her name: she’s not. Anyways, as I was saying, Toby, because my younger sister gets all the attention she decided to start whining every day whenever my parents were there, that she missed Kalamazoo so much and she really wanted to go back and visit but really all she wanted was a jumbo-sized ice cream sundae from Mr. Frosty’s. After a few days of whining my parents gave in (no surprise there, they always give in) and they decided that my mom would take her on the second weekend of the school year which happens to be today, and that my dad would stay here.”
“But what did you tell your dad?” asked Toby.
“Nothing, he always works into Saturday morning, totally forgetting about his child and only realizing when he gets breakfast that I’m not there … then he rushes home to find me and apologize a million times, begging for me to not tell my mom.”
“Do you ever tell your mom?”
“Once. Not anymore. She wouldn’t do much anyways. She would basically ban my dad from taking care of me for a while, but then her faith in my dad would grow, until finally letting him take care of me on one condition, making him promise not to do it again.”
“How do you know that’s what your mom would do?”
“Because I was stupid enough to tell my mom the first time it happened.”
“Oh. How long ago was that?”
“When we were still living in Kalamazoo. I was around 9 when he first did it. My mom and Rose were going to this cool hotel with a waterslide with some other girls and while my mom left me with my dad… and you know the great thing that’s gonna happen next.”
“Wait, why did your mom leave you and take your sister?”
“Because, it was a playdate-like thing, where one of her friends, in her grade invited her and only her, so she got to go and not me.”
“So, let me guess, he forgot about you and worked into Saturday morning then ran back home begging for you not to tell your mom. Right?”
“Yep – ”.
CREEEAAK! A sigh followed by a loud, low groaning sound seem to come from somewhere above them. Both sets of eyes moved towards the noise. Their bodies froze, making it seem like someone had flicked the switch from ON to OFF, while time seemed to come to a stop as their eyes swiveled around, finally finding each other. It was eerily quiet, so quiet that you could hear some little mice scurrying around behind the worn-down furniture in the shadowy darkness. Then suddenly time seemed to start moving again as Augusta and Toby came back to their senses. It was clear though, that they were still in shock, for even though their brains were working their mouths still seems paralyzed. Any person that came in would have assumed they were statues instead of living human beings. And quite funny statues they were, with Augusta in her nightgown and bathrobe, and Toby in a nightshirt and bathrobe. Then another noise came, this one softer than the last – it was like a frustrated sigh, coming from a different person. This time though, only Augusta seemed to hear this frustrated sigh.
“What was THAT!?”
“Do you think I know?”
“Well, what do you think we should do? Should we investigate?”
“Sure, I guess.” Both kids cautiously, and carefully, took a small step forward afraid of what might await them. When nothing out of the ordinary happened their beating hearts slowed down just a little, and they began to move a little faster.
When it was clear that they didn’t seem to be getting anywhere, anytime soon, they decided to split, thinking that this way they would cover more ground in less time.
Augusta was walking towards the right side of the house, while Toby was walking towards the left side of the house when suddenly…
“OUCH!”
Toby turned towards her, but she wasn’t there. Where has she disappeared to!? Ah!
She was sprawled on the ground. Augusta seemed to be lying on the hardwood floor holding her foot in pain.
Toby quickly ran over and knelt down beside her, and at first it seemed like there wasn’t anything on the outside, like cuts or bruises, but then, when he looked a little closer to inspect her foot again he realized that that wasn’t true. There was a small rusty nail stuck in her foot. That explained why she was holding her foot in pain and groaning, with tight lips, looking like she was trying hard not to cry. Toby, who was trying to figure out what to do (for he had never had any medical training) was frozen in place, many thoughts swirling through his head all at once. Finally, after a lot of consideration and a lot more groaning, he decided that he would just pull the nail out and wrap it in his spare PJ that he had brought. But before he could do that, he would have to get the wheels in his brain running and figure out a way to get Augusta back to his room, so he could take care of her wound.
“Do you think you can get up?”
“I’ll try.” And with a grunt and a hand from Toby she managed to get back on her feet, though it was clear she couldn’t walk normally.
“Actually, you can sit down – I have a better idea. Why don’t you crawl all the way?”
“In this cob-weby, dusty, old house? Are you kidding me?”
“Well, do you have any better ideas? If you don’t want to crawl you can hop all the way back.”
“I’ll hop.”
“That’s fine with me.”
And so off they went, with Toby walking ahead, with Augusta holding on his shoulder, grumbling every two seconds and muttering a string of curse words under her breath along the way (she sure did know a lot of curse words). It seemed like they were getting nowhere and finally Augusta gave in to her pride, and dropped to the ground, nightgown and all, and began crawling like a dog.
Now they were moving along a lot faster and soon arrived at Toby’s room. Toby sat down on the ground and cautiously touched the rusty nail and gently started tugging at it, afraid that Augusta would give another one of her ear piercing OUCHes. Luckily, Toby did not have to end up with that fate, though he definitely experienced some groans and curses along the way, and also a share of “what’s wrong with you” and “can’t you be gentler?” But all in all, his on-demand doctoring went fairly well. After giving her foot a temporary bandage they decided to set out from the house earlier than planned. Toby asked the question both of them were thinking (though Augusta didn’t want to lose more of her pride and so kept quiet).
“Do you think we should leave now?”
“Sure, I guess.”
“Then why don’t you go to your room and collect your stuff and we can meet in the lobby.”
“The lobby?” questioned Augusta.
Toby’s cheeks suddenly seemed to turn red.
“Yeah, I decided to call the room we came into, “the lobby”.” He put his fingers in rabbit-ear air quotes.
Clearly he was unsure what Augusta might think. But he was in for a surprise as Augusta just replied with a very simple “Oh.”
Maybe it was because Augusta was finally worn out and in need of rest or maybe she had finally realized that she shouldn’t keep yelling at Toby. Whatever the case, Augusta left Toby’s room, crawling, to go and collect her things in her room.
A few minutes later, Augusta crawled into “the lobby”, and then rolled over onto her sleeping bag on the ground (as if she were a three-year-old waiting for her mommy). Toby came in a few seconds later to the arrival of annoyed shouting.
“What took you so long? Are you back to being a sloth? I’m talking to you, are you listening, other than being a sloth, or are you also an Armadillo? (They have very bad hearing)?”
“Sorry, but now that we’re both here why don’t we head out?”
Toby seemed unperturbed, and added, “Yeah, sure, we can head out. Make sure you don’t forget anything at this place, as you don’t want to have to come back to get something later”.
They exited the haunted house, one walking slowly, with the other holding his shoulder. The path led to the beautiful, glimmering Mississippi River reflecting the moon, for the moon was full, and no clouds were blocking the beautiful white shine.
“The fork in the road up front is where I head home, do you want to just split there, since you’re still at your sleepover with Ben?”
“Sure, I guess.”
Toby set down his too-short-for-him sleeping bag under a big maple tree to wait for morning to come along. But before Augusta left, they each said goodbye to the other. And in typical Augusta manner she decided to say “Bye Toby, also known as a scaredy cat.”
But by now Toby was expecting such a manner and replied simply with a “Bye Augusta”, for he decided he would choose which battles were worth fighting for. Augusta left Toby setting up his green camouflage, too-short-for-him sleeping bag on the yellowy grass that soon would be dead, and started her crawling journey up the hills to go back home.