THE GARBAGE HOLE: A WORMHOLE OF TRASH

An immense white ship sailed through space; the ship had the letters USA printed on it, and living there were Americans traveling to Mars. Everything was going according to plan so far, and everything had to go according to plan for the rest of the journey if the Americans wanted to be the first humans on Mars. The ship had been traveling for six and a half months, but in the endless amount of space, it looked like the ship hadn’t moved an inch since they blasted out, away from the Earth’s orbit. Nothing exciting had happened either since they blasted out into space, and no one was expecting anything exciting to happen, but in a few minutes, something exciting would happen and the astronauts had no idea… Right ahead of the ship was a huge wormhole, the size of 10 Jupiters, which transported anything near it to a place in the middle of nowhere. This wormhole was what kept all aliens from invading, but also from discovering Earth; anyone who came, never came out.

Beep! Beep! The control panel in the meeting room was picking up a call from Earth. Immediately, all the astronauts floated to the meeting room from wherever they were, from napping in their cabin to reading a book in the ship’s tiny library.

Beep! Beep! The control panel sounded again. Captain Jasper Roosevelt pressed a big green button… the screen was blank, but a few seconds later, the astronauts saw Admiral James Bernard, the Supervisory Deputy Director for Center Operations for the United States Space Force, appear on the screen – he was sitting at his desk wearing his usual black silk suit.

    “Houston to USA Achilles Challenger –do you copy?  Bernard here. Over.”

    “Captain Jasper Roosevelt here.”

    “Captain Roosevelt: daily report please.”

    “Yes, Admiral. Most of the astronauts are doing fine, but 3 have been spacesick for the last few days, and they are drinking medicine and feeling better.  We have the spaceproof bags and jars ready for the soil and rock samples – ” Buzzzz Buzzzzzzzz –

    “Wait – Captain Roosevelt – you cut out – Captain Roosevelt?”

    “Yes, Admiral Bernard, I can hear you.”

    “Well, as you were saying – I think I heard something about spaceproof bags. Are you running out already? Do you need Houston to send you some more garbage bags, huh?”

    “No, sir,  I said the spaceproof bags are ready to receive the samples… Buzzzzzz Buzzzzzz… we are Buzzzzzz running out of Buzzzzzz… with the spaceproof bags. ”  

    “Huh? Is the garbage ready for launch you said? Well, yes I’m outside launching a garbage bag filled with spaceproof bags out to you right now.”

Captain Roosevelt opened his mouth to speak, but coincidentally or not, the screen glitched right there, then went black. Some of the operators ran forward to fix it, but fell back. The ship shook, then went left and right. The ship started to turn to one side now, and then even farther to that side, and even farther. Soon the ship was turning like the wheel of a speeding race car.

Captain Roosevelt was screeching his lungs until the membrane started to come up through his throat, and the operators were groaning from the pressure of their chairs against the computers; before long, the ship that had been a calm, quiet place had turned into a zoo of howling monkeys, a sea of loudness, a million sonic bombs blowing up at once. Astronauts were sweaty from all their air-running, their faces were as red as freaked-out cherries, and their hair was wild. Jasper was choking on his lung membrane and dizzily spinning around, but other than that, he was in decent shape; the ship swayed and carried the astronauts with it. The astronauts were going into the wormhole and they still had no idea. 

Back on Earth, Admiral Bernard was about to call the President of the USA, Mr. York, for his daily report. Admiral Bernard paced around, thinking of what he should say. Should he say that the astronauts were fine and on track, or share his garbage conundrum – or just blame it on the glitchy radio? 

Finally, the Admiral got up enough courage and strode across the control room to the bank of VIP phones on the wall. Selecting the red phone, he sighed deeply, and picked up.

Bring ring Brrrrring!

    “The White House VIP line, how may I assist?”

    “This is Admiral Bernard. I need to speak to President York asap.”

    “President York is on a conference call with the leaders of the Russian and Morovanian embassies, talking about – “

    “I don’t think you understand me, Miss… Miss… – “

    “I’m Missus Tibbs.”

    “Oh, excuse me, Madame,” said the Admiral, blushing in embarrassment. “I can wait. In the meantime, how are things generally in the West Wing?”

    “Oh, the president is busy talking to Mr. President Boris Vlad, and as you know, he has extreme anger issues, and is extremely jealous of the US… and not being able to be the first country on Mars.” 

    “Actually, that is exactly why I want to speak to him.”

    “You mean, I can help you? I…I… mean you can cure Boris’s anger issues??”

    “Well… no. I’m afraid I have some bad news from the astronauts.”

    “Oh no! We can’t meet this weekend? … I mean, uh did they die??”

    “Well, no again.”

Way up in space, the ship had stopped spinning because it had landed. Everything was quiet, then there was a rustle as it settled, then everyone groaned in pain.

Neil Armstrong III slipped on his rich, shiny, golden, jewel-encrusted spacesuit with diamonds on the helm, and stepped outside. The terrain was nothing like Neil expected, in fact, it was much worse: the ground wasn’t visible because of garbage covering the surface; the sky was black as ink, but there was one thing that stood out, a black and white dot: a rare black and white comet! Neil the III ran back to the ship, unsnapped his wire tied to the spaceship, opened the door to the spaceship, rushed into the decompression room, took off his space helmet and suit, and floated his way back to the meeting room to inform the others. 

Soon, everyone was in their spacesuits and gathered in the endless amount of trash.  The group of astronauts, all bottled up in their spacesuits, were aghast at what they beheld: long rows of discarded spacemeals, the wrappers curled with age, all sorts of crushed and broken land vehicles, some looking like bent saucers, others like big ugly radiators, and there were even some spaceship wreckages, looking like shipwrecks under the sea. There were weird looking cannons, guns, and other weapons left by aliens who had detected and planned to invade Earth, but got caught up in the wormhole and failed. Old yet futuristic looking chairs and sofas were strewn around like popcorn from a thrown box at the movies, and there was no end to the piles. But as Neil III pointed, everyone’s eyes were caught on something coming from space: all were watching a rare black and white comet in the sky. It was getting closer and closer by the second, then… it landed… right on Neil’s head, knocking him 100 feet back with a force as strong as five rhinos… and into a pile of trash; thankfully he didn’t land on rocks, but instead, landed on somewhat-soft garbage bags.

He groaned. Everyone gasped. Neil groaned again. It was the garbage from Houston. Everyone rapidly turned their heads around and pretended not to notice, because they all knew how grumpy Neil could be when his ornate suit got soiled. Yet, he only other thing that was to be seen surrounding Neil III was just… trash. 

Whoosh… Whoosh… Everyone looked up in the sky to the entrance to the wormhole that the ship had entered, realizing together that the black and white comet had actually been the entrance, closing behind the shipment of spaceproof bags from Houston. The swirling, now purple and blue, now black and white wormhole entrance was getting farther and farther until it was a tiny microscopic dot, and then it disappeared.

 Neil III screamed behind all the astronauts, ordered his astroservants to wipe him off, and stomped his way back into the ship.

 Neil floated to his private diamond-covered bathroom, and went straight into the bathtub, turned on the water, and got his gold and sapphire ducky (which floated around in the no-gravity air) barely getting wet. Drops floated throughout the air, causing Neil to seem like a man surrounded by tiny planets. He stayed there until he calmed down and then got dressed again. On Earth, Admiral Bernard and Mrs. Tibbs were still on their phone call. 

“So, since President York isn’t here. Would you like to chat for now??” Mrs. Tibbs said dreamily. “I can just see you now, in your signature black Louis Vuitton suit, hanging on the edge of your desk – .”

    “Uhhhh, ok??” Bernard said.

“– ah, so dashing.”

Creeeak, the office door opened, and President York stepped in. He was wearing a blue business suit without a single trace of lint on it. 

“Mrs. Tibbs, I need you to call Mr. Bernard immediately, he has not given his daily report yet.”

    “Oh, well it just so happens to be that I am on the phone with him right now.”

    “I’m sorry, and there is no way for you to know this, because you have been otherwise occupied, but we have a serious issue with Achilles Challenger right now.”

    “I know, for Mr. Bernard told me about an issue with the ship, and that they might be in danger.”

    “Yes, and I would like to talk to him now.” 

    “But… but… I mean, yes, right away, Mr. President.”

Mrs. Tibbs handed the phone to the president sadly.

    “Hello, Admiral, can you hear me?” Mr. York said.

    The admiral gulped, then said, “Yes, sir, I can hear you clearly. It sounds like my vice-admiral called your office directly. I’ll have to speak to him about – .”

    “Yes, good, I heard from the Vice. Why didn’t Tibbs connect us immediately? You obviously are the one I need to talk to. Now: the astronauts are not doing as well as we hoped?”

    “Yes, I was listening to their daily report when the screen blacked out and I heard some groans and screams.” 

Back up in the nothingness of space, the astronauts collectively sighed – there was nothing except for astronaut and alien remains, but one astronaut, a woman named Julia Ryan, had an idea. With so many wires, cables, and metal remains, they could build something to get themselves out! Julia knocked on Neil’s door and walked in. 

    “Are you alright, Neil dear?” she asked. 

    “Well, not quite,” Neil replied. 

    “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, but listen, I think I might have found a way to get all of us astronauts out of this junky place; there is definitely enough advanced technology so that the engineers can build something that can help us get out of here!”

Neil III abruptly popped up from his silver-encrusted armchair. 

“Yes, Julia, yes!” Neil suddenly turned to his excited positive side, which he rarely showed.

“Hold on Neily, we don’t even know if this is going to work yet and yet you’re so excited.”

“Well, if we don’t try it, how will we know if it’s gonna work!” Neil exclaimed, while running out the door of his room.

Back in Miss Tibbs’ office, the president was still speaking to the Supervisory Deputy Director for Center Operations for the US Space Force, Admiral James Bernard. 

    “Is everyone on the Achilles Challenger alright?” the president asked.

    “Well, not exactly, the screen blacked out before I could ask them.”

While the president and the admiral were speaking, Mrs. Tibbs sat down in her chair; she sighed happily and daydreamed about her own Admiral James Bernard. 

Neil III ran down the ship’s hallway, his new emerald-topped boots clicking and clacking on the magnetic surface. When he finally got to the control room, everyone was there, all looking depressed and bored. This is the perfect time to reveal Julia’s brilliant idea, Neil thought, when everyone’s least expecting it. 

The admiral and the president were still talking on the phone.

     “Do you think they will find a way out of whatever problem they’re in?” 

     “Hopefully yes, but no matter what, we must act quickly before Boris and the Morovanian embassy get suspicious, eh?” the Admiral said cautiously. 

     “Admiral, your report on this topic has been fascinating, if a little vague. Well, I think I better get going, I have some contracts to sign and it’s getting late.” 

   “I better get going with my work too.” 

   “Goodbye,” the president said, sounding tired and worried.

            “My fellow astronauts, could I please get your undivided attention!” The astronauts floated to attention. Some pieces of spacedust were wiped away from a few of their glasses (for those who wore glasses) by automatic mini window washers.

Neil the Third floated erect, his spine straightening painfully (for his muscles had atrophied). “Crew of Achilles Challenger! Shout your marked attention!”

The entire crew looked at each other confused, expecting Neil III to still be raging with anger, for when he got angry, it took days for him to get over it, but they shrugged and shouted HOOORAH!

“Ok, quiet down, quiet down please… We are gathered here today facing a few possible options, both of which have Death himself gathered to watch us!”

Julia looked at Neil and frowned. 

But it was to be: for little did Julia know it, but Neil the III was a gifted orator. And when his mouth opened, all became increasingly drenched in awe, adoration, and fealty.

“This day is called the Day of the First Astronauts:

One who contributes to this day, and gets to Mars,

Will stand with pride when this day is celebrated,

And be honored when one says the name of this day.

One who shall live this day, and live long

Will yearly eat the feast on the Eve of the First Astronauts,

And others will say ‘To-morrow is the Day of the First Astronauts:’

Then will open their mouth and tell the story.

And say, “These I had on the First Day”.

Old people may forget, and all shall be forgot

But all will recall the First Day with pride

What astronauts did that Day: then shall our names

As closely held names as are known on Earth:

Neil the Third, Julia and Jasper,

Admiral Bernard and President York, even Mrs. Tibbs

By all with flowing eyes will be remembered.

This story will be passed from generation to generation

And The Day of the Astronauts shall never be forgot

From this day to the end of the universe

But we shall still be remembered;

A small group, but a joyful group, we astronauts are.

For he that contributes with me today,

Though wading in piles of the darkest trash

This day shall cause him to sniff the air:

And earthlings who know not the stench of wormholes

Will never think of themselves as leaders or as heroes,

And hold their society less while others speak

Of them who helped us upon the Day of the First Astronauts.”

Everyone was astounded and speechless for a while. Julia started clapping and the other astronauts joined in little by little and soon all the astronauts were cheering and applauding wildly; Neil III accepted his wild applause and bragged about how smart he was, to come up with this ingenious plan. Julia was still clapping and cheering wildly, and had happy tears in her eyes. ”Oh, I hope he considers dancing me in La Bourrée,” Julia thought dreamily, ”He’s so handsome and polite, he’s just the perfect one for me!”

“Okay,  okay, quiet down my fellow astronauts, I haven’t even told you my amazing and brilliant plan yet,” Neil III said after several minutes of nonstop clapping. ”Now, now, are you ready to hear the plan?”

“Yes!” the crowd roared.

“Well, the plan is for the engineers to help all of us build something that can help us get out of here! The rest of you: there’s definitely enough developed technology out there in the ruins of the spaceships to build something good, like a wormhole opener or a portal to Mars: all we have to do is find it,” Neil III said.

All the astronauts but the engineers (who were busy packing their gear) suddenly got very excited and chattered among themselves about Neil III’s brilliant plan. As the astronauts conversed, the engineers walked out of the meeting room to get prepared for their next mission: building a portal leading the whole ship back on track, with the GPS set to Mars… .

The astronauts put on their space suits and set off into the wilderness of trash almost immediately after Neil III’s speech, all excited to get out of the wormhole and see something else, other than trash. All worked hard digging out wires so old that they were partly fossilized into the ground, and broke off parts of spaceships, all looking forward to the solution to escape, which would give them pride, when they finally got to Mars.

Meanwhile, back at the White House, the space admiral and the president were talking again. 

“Do you have any bright plans for an emergency so urgent?” the president asked.

“I unfortunately don’t,” the admiral confessed sadly. “The astronauts are expected to land on Mars in a couple of weeks, but having lost all communication with them, it is my only understanding at this point to – ”

“Wait – isn’t there any other choice? If we told the whole world that the mission failed, Boris could get out astronauts into space and to Mars in no time! Millions of Americans could doubt the Space Force’s reason for existing!” 

“Wait! I sent a bag of spaceproof bags to the Achilles Challenger a few hours ago, as they said they needed it,” Mr. Bernard demurred.

“When and why did they need that trash? Do you have the space-coordinates? Was that the last thing you said to them?” The president seemed to becoming more excited.

“Well, I sent the spacetrash exactly 5 hours, 34 minutes, and… 58 seconds ago, because they said they needed it. I need to call my employee for the space-coordinates and that, well, that was the last thing I said to them.” The Admiral was getting flustered.

The president scowled. “Bernie, are you telling me that you sent them trash? What in the hell for, may I ask?”

Admiral Bernard grew pale and muttered something. 

“Excuse me, Bernie, did you say something?”

He mumbled again. “Bernie! What has gotten into you? This could be important, man!”

Admiral Bernard straightened up and met the President’s inquiring tone.

“Sir,” he said, his voice quavering a little bit, “I heard the astronauts say they needed spaceproof trashbags, but the connection could have been bad.”

Back in the wormhole…

“We’ve completed the great wormhole opener! We’ve completed the great wormhole opener!” screamed one of the engineers, running amazingly fast to the central control room. 

“What?” Neil III said, almost speechless. “Really?” All the astronauts had already become hopeless that they were never going to get out of the wormhole. Neil III started running around the room uncontrollably excited. “I can’t believe we’re finally going to get out of this awful place!” 

     “Now, what are you waiting for? Let’s go inform the others!” Both astronauts ran down to their fellow astronauts’ rooms.

“Everyone!” Neil III screamed at the top of his lungs, “Our team has completed a task no-one was assuming would ever be completed, yet, with other strokes of luck, we’ve been able to survive. As mentioned in this afternoon’s briefing, all astronauts need to attend the unveiling and first functioning of the wormhole opener.”

Julia came to his side.

“You mean you found all the parts you needed from the ships nearby and built everything?” asked a cow-faced sergeant, responsible for cleaning the latrines.

“Sargeant Luce,” said Julia, walking up to Neil’s side, “Of course we’ve been keeping the whole plan under wraps until now. And here we – “

Neil stepped close to Julia and put his arm around her shoulder. “Julia.”

“Yes honey?”

“I got this.”

Neil suddenly jumped onto a big metal container and raised his arms. “Friends! Trash collectors! Astronauts! I am come to make an announcement! It is time to lead the way to the unveiling of the great and mighty wormhole opener!”

CLAP CLAP CLAP, all the astronauts roared and cheered.

Neil started walking towards a big metal door with a sign that said “Warning, Warning, Engineers only!” Neil III pushed open the door and inside was a giant fancy red velvet cloth with golden edges. “Attention, all astronauts! Now, I will begin unraveling the wormhole opener!” Neil III pulled the red cloth and… inside was a big shiny metal laser that looked like it could cut through anything. The crowd was speechless. The laser was glowing an eerie blueish purple color. It was about 6 feet long, lay on its side, and had a wheel at one end.

“And here is the great and mighty wormhole opener!” Julia said triumphantly. “Ooooooh! Ahhhhhh!” the crowd said, still a little speechless. “This high-tech laser will be put outside where it will shoot a beam into space and reopen the wormhole that brought us to this nasty place… and we will finally get to Mars!” Neil III crowed loudly. “Yeah!!!” the crowd of sprightly astronauts cheered.

            Meanwhile, back in Washington D.C., President York had 30 minutes until he was to give a speech about how the astronauts had failed to land on Mars and had utterly disappeared from tracking. 

Ring! Ring! Ring! The president picked up his brand new iPhone 23 Max. 

“President York speaking. How may I help you?” 

“Mr. President? Are you ready for your speech?” Admiral Bernard could be heard through the line. 

“I hope so, Mr. Bernard. I still can’t believe our astronauts failed to get to Mars! We had preparations and contingency plans for the biggest things that could go wrong.” Mr. York sighed. “Admiral Bernard? Are you there?” 

“President York, requesting a transmitting of incoming interstellar call.”

“Admiral, what do you mean?”

“Sir, please grant permission – .”

“Of course Bernie!”

There was the sound of static, and of a warping whine, fixing into place a new connection.

“This is the Achilles Challenger. I repeat, this is the Achilles Challenger. Houston, do you copy?  This is Captain Jasper Roosevelt!”

The President dropped the iPhone 23 and its glass facing cracked. But he didn’t care: he was shouting in relief.

“Admiral Bernard? I can’t believe this is happening! We survived!” cried Captain Roosevelt cried over the interstellar line.

“Jasper, is it really you?! I haven’t heard from you in months! Where have you astronauts been?” 

“This is the President speaking. Captain Roosevelt, how dare you fall out of communication with us! I need to know – .”

“Mr. President! I can explain! So, it all started when Admiral Bernard called from Houston for the daily report. We started spinning.  The problem was misinterpreted and Admiral Bernard sent us spacebags, but they arrived in a big jumble, and seemed like a big heavy bag of trash was lobbed at us. Morale was low, and we started spinning even more. Luckily, Neil Armstrong III was on hand to get us re-orientated sir, and  – .”

“So you’re saying that the ship got trapped in a spinny thing and you now you’ve just gotten out?!”

“Yes sir, pretty much.”

“And where are you now then?”

“We’re about to activate a machine that the engineers crafted to get out of this wormhole, which is what the spinny thing was.”

“Well, do it quickly! I’m about to give a speech on how you and the other astronauts’ failed, but now I need to re-write my speech!”

“Activation of the wormhole opener in 3! 2! 1! Mr. President, we’re launching the laser to open a portal now!”

There was a great cranking sound, a sudden release of air, and then an overpowering cutting sound.

“Good!”

“The ship is afloat and heading back towards Mars now, President York.” Jasper set the ship on autopilot to Mars and relaxed for once in months. 

“Is the ship out of the wormhole, Jasper?”

“Yes, heading back, on track to Mars.”

And so the United States Space Force astronauts were heading to Mars and afterwards to Earth again and the president didn’t have to give his speech about how the astronauts failed, and all was well again.